Walking 

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

I cannot believe how badly this coma has effected my walking. Just to go to the local coffee shop, a distance of perhaps 300m takes a long time, a very long time I haven’t measured, yesterday I became concerned about making it back home. It’s a very small hobble, perhaps just the length of a ruler my hobble, 100cm. A sane person would just stay at home but unfortunately I caught insanity many years ago, I personally think just to keep trying to walk helps my brain to understand it again, for it seems to have forgotten. Coming to Raffles place today people looked at me like a cripple. I have walked the terrain many times per week, and go to many other places, it’s so damn embarrassing. I can’t believe the deterioration. I thought my brain would slowly heal, that’s what everyone tells me. It seems insanity has returned to my brain. People think there are some activities I can do to help but it really is just my brain, no physical damage at all, just my consciousness.

Coma

imageSuch an evaluation of my life, everything, this website is merely an example of that re-evaluation, I am almost thankful now for my near death experience. Perhaps I would have just lived and not thought so much about life without my coma. People tell me I was always a thinker but I believe it’s different now, I often look at strangers and wonder about the events of their lives. They are so often immersed in their hand phones on the train. Apparently I kept a blog before the accident too, but it’s no longer there, it would have helped with my memory. It has been the most difficult period of my life, to re-establish my independence with my family taking other views on how to proceed, contesting many things including my marriage and money. I was legally challenged at a VCAT hearing. I was in a coma for a short while but still a brother. We shouldn’t control people’s lives but accept the choices they make in life. It has been a tumultuous experience for all close to me. I have been very upset of late. Time will heal I hope. I would just be another consumer amongst the 8 billion of us without my experiences. I realise there are special people everywhere, authors and musicians etc, we all have unique lives, there are people who think much more deeply about life than me, but we all try to live according to the best values we have understood, experienced. Thank you coma for enriching my experience of life, just let me walk again. How about a short black?

Alzheimers

alzheimersClearly I’m not considering the below, as you can see by yesterday’s post I’m happy, it’s on my mind from TV. Must I edit my thoughts?

Alzheimers, a similar condition to my own, living with memory loss. I don’t know why we are so precious about a fundamental aspects of life, death. People surely have the right to die if they choose. I saw a news report today about Sir Terry Pratchett, the British write who had Alzheimer’s and wanted to die, eventually dying of natural causes. We should legalise euthanasia, why force people to remain in existence. We think we understand life but clearly do not, to force it upon people. And I thought we had become intelligent creatures, but we still express the old power games. So old that game, life and death…

A macchiato?

Magic

ghandiI hope everyone is having as good a day as me, I feel I’m tracking towards recovery after many setbacks. We must keep trying. By my experience there are so many setbacks in recovery from coma, it’s been almost three years now and at last I can see a glimmer of light, my memory is even improving I believe. Nothing specific but a general outline of the jobs I was previously employed to do. Perhaps more memories  to come, maybe I’ll return to normal one fine day. Like today it will be magical.

Ballet

img_1408ballet is the purist art, we all live in bodies, to move gracefully is beautiful, if you get a chance to witness grace take it, ballet… magic

people think my only interest in it is because I’m loosing control over my own body, our movement is so fundamental to do it elegantly was something humans would always pursue… Ballet

Loneliness 

imageA poem I previously liked, still do “A leaf falls, loneliness” Recovery from coma seems interminable. It’s been three years now, sure I’m no longer confined to bed, in a wheelchair or walking frame, but it’s been like it is now for two years and no substantial improvement. They told me in hospital it wouldn’t get better, perhaps I should have stayed in institutional care and given up my hopes of independent life again. They told me it’s not going to improve except through time, they said time was my best friend. So true, my only friend. To walk and remember so appallingly, I just wonder if life will ever improve, is this the new normal for me? To have lived with another normal and now to be offered only this, the brain really is so central to us, we are just like computers in our mechanical functioning, all is lost upon reboot, but even computers remember, it’s all stored as 1’s and 0’s. Perhaps in the future we will synchronize with computers and will live through events such as coma. But human animals can experience hope and we live thoughtful lives, our creation computers cannot write poetry, I live in hope, a leaf falls… — Walking has deteriorated for me, almost couldn’t cross paths I previously traversed daily, getting in people’s way, quite the worst I’ve ever walkedand after three years… it really was incredibly bad. I can see no reason for it, utterly no reason, somebody doesn’t like me upstairs. something I could do before but can’t now.

I can’t even clearly remember the band I previously played in, such important events lost, I hope it comes back one day…

Evolution

evovlveIt’s been quite amazing the development of our species. We invented telecommunications and then it became quite normal to speak over the phone. Now phones offer us the Internet and with things like Google we have access to a repository of all human thought. To speak of what we have achieved  in this world nobody would have believed it 100 years ago, let alone Adam and Eve. I’m looking forward to the next step. Come to us alien friends. A coffee my friend?

Solitude

weddingSolitude is an excellent thing, gives one time to think about all things. So I am in Raffles place right now, not trusting anything from my head but one can’t stop it, thought. I guess it defines us, human beings, thought. It apparently separates us from the animal kingdom, our mistake. Giraffes are great thinkers. Human writers think all the time, some of them do it amazingly well, Kafka come to mind…

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